Lights Out

Lights Out - June 12, 2010

Lights Out

Current mood:miserable

The realization that my career as a Fireman is over has been hitting harder these last few days. The how's and the why's as well.

Got my final paycheck yesterday from a life I gave my best to. Pay off for my unused leave. About what I expected. It's the body pain that is in my immediate thoughts now. It's not much of a trade off.

My back is so torn up I can barely get out of bed. I soldiered on as best as I could, for as long as I could, before the reality finally caught up to me. I am paying the price now.

Years upon years of giving the best I had has left me a broken shell of what I used to be. It's frustrating and disheartening to think that for a scant payoff, we're all squared up. We broke your body, and at times, spirit: now go.

But I'll take the blame for some of it. I carried myself as far as I could with just a HS and Jeopardy education. Further than I deserved? Further than I ever imagined.

So today, I sit. My back is on fire in a handful of places. Slowly coming to the conclusion I am going to have to turn myself over to a back surgeon. Once where I would fall into fitfully sleep in a moments notice, I now find myself tossing and turning with my broken back until sheer exhaustion finally overwhelms me.

I loved the Fire Department. It was good to me. I was good to it. It gave me a living. And it retired me as well..