Sunday, July 10, 2011

Me, my broken heart and I

Me, my broken heart and I

Current mood:worried

I can't lie. I have a good life. I moan and groan about things, and sound like a pussy at times. But for the most part, I should not be complaining. I have a good job. Roof over my head. Food to eat.

Never had kids. Figured out, a long time ago, that I was not the kid raising kind. Knowing that, I was careful to never put myself in that predicament, ever. If I have any kids, I sure as hell do not know about them.

At times, kids are like other peoples dogs. I like dogs. I just don't like other peoples dogs. Never been one to get comfortable with a dog nosing my crotch, or depositing fleas on me by the hundreds. My patience is not much better when I get around other peoples kids. Yours squalling? and you are doing nothing about it? I'll have my fen meter peg quick on that. Yelling at the kid thats squalling? Faster.

But. The kind side of me that makes an occasional appearance, also knows when something special is there. I have to have an attachement. Since my parents are both gone, I need someone to look out for me. It was my aunt and uncle for years, and with his passing my aunt has been shouldering the load. One of my cousins also helps. That allows me to attach to others as well.

Earlier, I said I had a good life. Not much to complain about. I got a dose of smacked in the face reality yesterday. My sis's daughter who lives in abject poverty (I am amazed at this. They are poor. Know they are poor. But are happier in their lives, in the general terms, than I could ever hope to be. Family trumps stuff, I guess) in Tennessee is living from hand to mouth. Her husband (?) who could have ran off, but did not, is having troubles keeping a job.

Over the past couple of years, the xyl and I have sorta adopted their children. You see them in the pictures here, on the Santa train. Just wide eyed kids, who do not know they are poor. They just have a eyeful of life, that encompasses their own lives. Can't take innocence away from those who deserve it.

The details of why it has taken this long for us to get involved are long and complicated. I will not go into it. But, I am going to spend the rest of my life repairing someone elses wrong doing.

When we go to Tennessee on vacation, we take the kids out with us to places. We make sure they get plenty to eat, and we buy them stuff that they need, and stuff that they want. We buy them clothes, toys, and most anything else they need. Not necessarily want. But need.

We are trying our damnest to be a part of their lives, and with that help them live a better life. I know that when we call or visit we are attacked in hugs. The kids bug their momma and my sis on the days till we get there countdown. Initially our neice was coming but the trip had to be put back a couple of weeks, so it ran into school time, and she was so disapointed that she could not come.

Yesterday, I got news that I did not want to hear. It ate at me all of yesterday and today. The father was not working, or was working sporatically at best, and now the kids were going hungry. Here I am, living, so to speak, off of the fat of the land, in a life too comfortable to complain about, and two kids which mean the world to me, go to bed with growling bellies?

My heart shattered at the news. Some would tell you I do not have one. Others may only speculate. WIth my work life up in the air, and with it my planned time off, it has complicated my ideals greatly. I had planned on going back for a week to visit. Probably the week after Thanksgiving this year. Now, I almost feel I have to. If for nothing lese, to help family that is in need of it, and that need is well within my ability.

I know I cannot fix the world. Cure its illneses and troubles. Grasp sanity out of chaos, and unrest. But, if it can be done, it will be done. I will do the right thing.

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